Hey there people, newsflash, just because you may be seeing someone new and are even happy with the person, it doesn't mean you are completely over your ex. In fact, I would estimate that 90% (or more) of the people on rebound - that is to say, they start to date someone new before they have fully grieved the loss of a marriage or significant relationship, naturally, wholly and completely.
Rebounding can be a grey, hard-to-define, area and it is something we don't always realise we are doing. In fact, I would go as far as to say most people even deny they are rebounding, and are often most-insistent that they're not! I've done it and I bet you have too at some point.
As humans we are all so very different and each of our relationships are unique. Some people experience cruel break-ups whilst others have been let down gently. Regardless of the way it was handled, the outcome was essentially the same - it was "over". When that happens, and despite what Hollywood shows us, every dumpee throughout the world has to endure a similar of healing process - which varies in length from person to person. Because all break-ups are different, what may be considered "over it" for one person may not be exactly the same for another.
Sadly, one of the main reasons people do rebound, is because dating is a distraction from the their own, often painful, healing process. In an effort to fast-forward through it, a dumpee hopes that the new person will help them "forget" the loss of the old person. While it's an understandable concept, it's ill-advised. At the end of the day, that solution can be about as effective as putting a band-aid on a gaping bullet wound. Better to feel whole and healed before embarking on a new flight of fancy.
After years of perusing thousands of posts, not to mention surviving three break-ups in my own right, I have compiled some road signs which serve as universal indicators to being whole again which you can use to gauge how your progress is. This list is by no means exhaustive and again every item will not be relevant to every person who reads this. Take it as general as possible and if you realise that you're not quite there yet, don't punish yourself. Take your time, do it right.
THINKING ABOUT THEM LESS
First of all, one thing you will notice when you begin to feel over someone is that you realise that you are no longer thinking of him or her all the time. You know what I am talking about - the first thing you think of as you wake up, and the last thing you think of as you drift off to sleep at night (not to mention those hourly intervals throughout the day) is no longer your ex. Hooray. It feels good when you finally stop obsessing over "what could have been" and are no longer dwelling on what went wrong all of the time - doesn't it?
And when you do find yourself thinking about your ex, and it doesn't make you feel sad, angry, hurt, bitter, or nauseous (or any other intense emotion), then that is a very good sign as well. If thoughts can come and go freely without bringing you down, and you are able to remember the "good times" without them eliciting a painful emotional response, then you are most certainly on the right track.
PLOTTING
If you have stopped plotting ways to get back together and have honestly stopped praying for reconciliation, then that's a pretty good indication you're over it.
MUSIC
When you hear music that reminds you of your ex, and you don't become a complete emotional wreck, then you're getting somewhere. Being able to play music that once held meaning for you both can be a good sign that you are ever closer to that finishing line. In fact, the music you find yourself constantly playing, in general, can indicate where you are at. For instance, if you've stopped playing the sappy and depressing love songs and started to put on empowering music like "Survivor" by Destiny's Child, then points for you.
PICTURES
When you look at old photographs of the two of you together how do you feel? If you burst in to tears repeating "why why why?", well then, you are probably not quite there yet. However if you can look at them and recall the happier times and don't feel upset, then you yay you!
ENDING THE RACE
Another good indication that you are over it, is if you no longer feel the need to compete with or prove anything to your ex. In the early stages of my break-ups, I tended to fantasise about bumping into them whilst having some hot, new replacement on my arm. If you have started to date someone new, and are constantly wishing you would bump into your ex to "show off", then it sounds to me like you're not really over it (and probably should not be dating someone new, seriously anyway). Some people might even consider this using someone but that's another article...
When you really are over your ex, it is all about the new relationship and less about a competition with your ex and trying to PROVE you are over it. When it comes to being over an ex, the key is to actually become indifferent.
At the end of the day recovery is not a race. For instance, just because your ex has got a new job, relationship, house or started a family and you haven't, it is of no reflection on you, your desirability, your worth or your future.
NOT TAKING REVENGE
If you heard that something fantastic happened to your ex, would you be pleased - or at the very least disinterested? Or would you spend hours dissecting how unfair the world is, rant to everyone you know that there is no justice, and sit around fuming with envy over the good fortune? Someone who is over it would most certainly not celebrate misfortunes. Well, ok, not for long at any rate! Maybe just a silent smirk for a moment or two�But if you find that you are dialling everyone you know to dish the "good news" that your ex got dumped, fired, or some other tribulation, then chance are you're not over it. Sorry. Keep trying...
LOOKING FOR HIM/HER WHEREVER YOU GO
I am very guilty of looking out for an ex I still am interested in every where I go. If I go into town, I look into the shops we went to, or at concerts I think he might be at. That's a pretty good indication I am still living with the ghost of an ex. And if you think you see him or her, or see a car like theirs, do you speed up to catch up to it? Feel your heart skipping a beat? Most of us have thought we saw them and found we suddenly had a lump in our throat. Awful feeling isn't it? Ok, to be fair, this is not a conclusive factor you're not over it, because I have been known to see exes I feel NOTHING for and still my heart raced. I guess you need to look at what thoughts are ones that cross your mind when you do bump into them.
REVISITING FORMER HAUNTS
Have you started going back to places (such as gigs, cities, countries, stores or restaurants, etc) that you have been avoiding since the split? Or are you still avoiding the former haunts? Someone who is willing to face the fears and make new memories is a healthier healer than the one who categorically gives such power to their ex by staying away. Go to that restaurant again. Watch that movie you both saw together. Go somewhere your ex might be - if you want to do. Don't let the thought of bumping into an ex stop you from doing what you want to do. Paltrow if you have to but please start taking your power back today!
READING THEIR HOROSCOPE
Are you still reading his or her star sign each morning? I know, you probably don't even admit to reading them, but if we're still thinking of our ex, it's not uncommon to glance over their sign too. Having the same sign doesn't count here.
CONCLUSION
In some ways getting over your ex is probably a lot like falling in love. You just sort of know because you feel over it. You find yourself thinking of your ex less (or not at all) and if you bump into them, you don't suddenly feel "back to square one". Any setback you feel is brief - a few hours at most.
And now, for anyone not quite there, I leave you with one of the best paragraphs I have EVER seen written:
"I believe time alone doesn't heal. You have to want to get over your ex and constantly try to see yourself happy without them. As long as you focus on the fear that you'll never meet anyone else, the anger that they left, or the hope you'll get them back, you'll stay pretty much stuck in the same place. Of course, you need to take time to grieve the end of a relationship, but you also need to keep looking and moving forward - not backwards. It�s important to do new things, meet new people and create new memories. Gradually, as you force yourself to interact with others, you will start to find yourself enjoying at least parts of life again. If keeping yourself busy was the only solution to getting over an ex, then none of us would be here. It's a combination of doing these things, time and crucially adopting the right attitude that works." - Judge
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